Effects of an Immature Upbringing

An emotionally immature parent (lacking the emotional nurturing as a child themselves to be able to fully mature) often is unable to identify their own wounds being triggered and might act out on the child unconsciously. They might believe the child should emotional take care of them or that the child should be grateful rather than the other way around (the parent putting aside own needs to meet the child’s).

  • You develop an inner critic (instead of an inner coach) when you were berated or emotionally neglected. As a result you’re extra hard on yourself for always “messing up” and feel stressed out all of the time.
  • You feel responsible for others. When your parent (unconsciously) put their needs ahead of yours, you end up suppressing your authentic expression to regulate your parent’s reaction. You believe every interpersonal challenge is your fault.
  • You apologise all the time. Children of immature parents may be especially vigilant to others needs and emotions to maintain their emotional safety. Do you apologise because you actually screwed up, or because you want to make sure no one will be mad at you for it?
  • You constantly need validation. When an immature parent speaks to a child in a demanding way/not validating the child, the child doesn’t learn to self validate, as adults they need other to tell they’re doing a good job. A therapist can help learn to value yourself outside of what other people might think.
  • Emotional intimacy feels scary. Having experienced a lack of nurturing, you may have instead assumed the role of caretaker, family here, or had to emotionally “rescue” others. Physical intimacy & a surface-level social life might be easy, but when things start to turn deeper, you feel uncomfortable and retreat.

It is important to identify your wounds, only then you can start healing them or at least not act of out of them. Take Care!

15 Comments Add yours

  1. I hear u says:

    Really informative

    Liked by 1 person

    1. GS says:

      In reality, emotionally immature people are oblivious. They don’t have the emotional capacity to process their feelings, much less, others. Most importantly, it’s difficult for them to know they’re emotionally immature.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear u says:

        I agreed to this but life teaches them everything.

        Like

      2. GS says:

        Not always but what you say is correct too

        Like

  2. Wooow, this is deep. As a parent myself, this questions is deep: Do you apologise because you actually screwed up, or because you want to make sure no one will be mad at you for it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. GS says:

      Yes we need to be aware and honest of these questions to make a difference in the way our generation has been brought up

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lori says:

    Yep. This one I’ve definitely experienced. I can relate to the bullet points in numbers 1, 2, & 4. Through therapy I learned that both of my parents are narcissists. It helps me to be able to identify where their behavior is coming from so that I can act accordingly. Not always easy, but it is what it is.
    Thank you for this thoughtful post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. GS says:

      I’m glad you were aware and sought assistance. You are courageous. Many people spend their entire lives in denial, believing that there is something wrong with them as adults rather than something their parents did.

      Because emotionally immature parents aren’t mature enough to fight fair, confrontations with them are full of dirty tricks and red herrings. They will wear you down and distract you from the outcome you want. If you accept a battle of wills, they might win because their self-centered arguments will exhaust your brain just trying to make sense of their illogical responses.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lori says:

        This is all so true. I believed there was something wrong with me until I moved away from home. Getting away from family for a while was just what I needed, because it helped me see it wasn’t me. That’s when I sought help to figure out how to handle my parents without compromising my own needs. I moved back home with new tools to deal with them, although like I said, it isn’t always easy.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. GS says:

        True. As an adult, you have the option of dealing with narcissistic parents. You may need to make some difficult decisions, such as establishing new boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It may take some time to determine what kind of relationship (if any) you want to develop with this parent. There will be ups and downs.

        It is important to prioritise self-care and emotional well-being when in a relationship with any type of narcissist.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Daily Poetry says:

    Indeed, the question is why you are apologizing. Is it genuine our a safety net for people not getting mad at you. Great article. I learned something about parenting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. GS says:

      Glad you liked the post

      Like

  5. ESES❤ says:

    This is such a serious issue that needs so much attention!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. GS says:

      Children of emotionally immature parents need to learn how to find love in themselves and give self-compassion because their parents often are unable to support them in a mature, loving way. Give compassion and love to yourself, and you’ll be much more likely to have better results with your parents.

      Liked by 1 person

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