I have learned a lot this year. I have learned a lot about pain and suffering, but also about you and happiness. I have learned that sometimes, even those seemingly contradictory feelings can coexist. And I have felt a lot. Sometimes all at once, sometimes nothing at all and sometimes I have felt all at once and nothing at all, simultaneously. And I have learned about good and bad but also about the void that exists in between. I realised that not everything is black and white and the world is so much more beautiful and joyous because of that. I have learned a lot about self-love and self-care. And how long journey it is. And how much I still have left of that journey. How you can try to distract yourself from the real problem by making jokes and avoiding life, how you can try to convince yourself that you are worthy, beautiful and enough but all that will be for nothing unless you take an action that reflects your words. I have also learned a lot about loneliness and how it can cause physical pain to you.
Respectively, I have learned how it can be so much worse not to feel lonely; how loneliness can numb you into believing that you will always be alone, both mentally and physically. How people you never thought would leave did. However, being alone is not something to be ashamed of. The felicity that you get from spending time alone is much more fulfilling than the one from investing your time in superficial relationships which only function as a mirage for loneliness. And how sometimes sunsets are your only friends, and that is so much more than okay. I have learned how minutes after even the most beautiful sunset, a hurricane can come out of nowhere and destroy everything; sometimes there is no structure, there is no reason for something. How you can spend time endlessly trying to find a reason but sometimes there is simply none. How life will kick you down and how you feel like you will not survive, until you do. I have learned how it is always, always darkest before the dawn. But first and foremost, I have learned that you have to stop waiting for the sun to rise and realise that you were the sun all along.