Why We Keep Choosing Emotionally Available People

What this looks like :

  • These emotionally unavailable people are the ones who you feel you could be so good with. If only they would let you fully in. But you feel to a certain extent that you don’t have them and they aren’t sharing all of themselves with you.
  • Your mind is always tantalised with what “could” be. You spend all your energy trying to figure them out and why they are the way they are, rather than focusing on yourself.
  • You may start to wonder if your desires for closeness and intimacy are “too much” or if you should be less emotional, less “needy”.
  • They will tell you they’re not available or ready for a relationship, but they don’t leave, & you don’t leave either. They want your body, but they don’t want your heart and soul.
  • They are inconsistent and unpredictable, say they’ll do one thing but doesn’t follow through. You’re always disappointed and living off of hope.
  • There’s an air of mystery around them. Probably quite a bit of charisma and charm. It’s addictive to you. A part of you want to badly to be the one to “break down their walls” because you see so much “potential”.

But the truth is, you’re living off a fantasy rather than what’s real.

What you do :

  • They end of on a pedestal in your mind, a super human that isn’t based on reality. You start working on yourself, thinking maybe you are the problem or that if you change yourself you can “fix” them.
  • Trying to “crack the code” of this person, you read all the books and take all the courses to understand them and learn how to “open” them up, make them fall for you.
  • The whole time, you’re walking on eggshells, afraid you might “scare them away” if you push too much.
  • As you chase them, you’re focusing on them and only them choosing you as validation that you are good enough.
  • This creates anxiety, desperation, and obsession that take you further and further away from yourself.

Reason 1 Why you fall for such people

  • We fall for people who are actually unavailable to us when we have unhealed childhood wounds around feeling seen, heard, understood, loved, and validated.
  • It’s likely we never felt good enough for our own parents, who may have always felt a bit emotionally unavailable to you.
  • You may have felt you had to work very hard to “earn” the love and attention of your parents. That is was not something that should just be given.
  • Your love blueprint wiring around love lights up around emotional unavailability because that was your “normal” growing up. It’s what feels familiar.

Reason 2 Why you fall for such people

  • You have an inner little child who desperately craves love and approval that you never felt you got.
  • Subconsciously, your inner child gets attracted to people who feel similar to what you experienced in childhood. Who show up in ways that mirror your inner child’s belief system about yourself : “I’m not good enough” “I am not worthy” “I am wrong/bad/broken” “Love if hard to get”.
  • When we believe these things, we are always looking outside ourselves for love and validation because it is not sourced from within first.
  • We choose people who mirror our deepest held beliefs so when what we choose is not functional, it mirrors our dysfunctional relationship with ourselves (or else we wouldn’t have chosen it).

What you can do about it?

  • Your little child needs to be healed around your childhood experiences with love.
  • Your little child needs to release/heal the emotional pain they hold which compels them again and again to the same situations.
  • Your little child needs her love blueprint updated (your subconscious belief system about yourself, love and people).
  • Your little child needs YOUR love. When we continually fall for emotionally unavailable people, it’s a sign that we are actually emotionally unavailable to ourselves (to out inner little child and other parts) – as without, so within.
  • Learn what to look in a person so that you can catch the signs earlier of someone who isn’t ready or willing to invest in a relationship with you.
  • Build your self worth to the point that you no longer accept crumbs or feel you need to stay with someone to “heal” them. (Because the truth is, they are very happy with the way they are and that’s your codependency leading your choice of mater).
  • Get to know yourself, your actual needs in a relationship.
  • Stop settling for less (doing all the above is what will help).

Hope this post helps you.

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