Breakups cause deep emotional wounds in children. Whether the breakup was with a friend, partner, or family member, our unmet needs and patterns are frequently revealed. Some of these relationships are the most intimate, in which we reveal our most vulnerable traits and characteristics. It hurts because we put our trust in ourselves to take a chance and were disappointed.
After a breakup, it is critical to have faith in oneself. Breakups expose all kinds of core beliefs, such as :
- I am never enough.
- Because I am undeserving.
- Nobody can be relied on.
- Avoid getting too close because people will always hurt you.
It’s also important to remember that relationships aren’t just about our wants and needs. It is also beneficial to broaden your awareness of others. However, if there is a consistent pattern of broken relationships and you haven’t looked at your actions, it may be time to gently reflect. What is the reasoning behind this defense? What do I fear the most if I admit my needs, flaws, and disappointments?
Recognize the efforts you make to self-soothe after a breakup, whether it is with a partner, a friend, or someone else.
- Constantly looking for reassurance
- Attempting to prevent or calm yourself from spiralling into an emotional state
- Stopping further contact
- Suppressing and numbing
- avoiding and diverting attention
- Emotions are rationalized/intellectualized.
- Pretending as if nothing happened
Breakups reveal our underlying needs and patterns rather than theirs. Even if you recognise their needs, it is their responsibility to own them, not yours; attempting to save them and meet their needs will detract from meeting your own. Maintaining relationships with people who make little effort to take ownership and develop themselves is exhausting.
We require safe spaces to process this. This is where a therapeutic relationship comes into play, and it cannot be replaced by consuming an excessive amount of information. We are unable to accelerate the process. Grieving has its own schedule, and you may require more time than you anticipate.