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How Ditching the ‘Chill’ Vibe Led Me to True Love (and Less Hangovers)

When I first started dating, I was lost in a sea of self-doubt and uncertainty. Like many others, I sought approval from others, hoping that a man’s attention would somehow fill the vacuum within me. Each date provided a brief high, a short boost to my weak confidence. However, when the connection failed or the phone went silent, my self-worth sank to zero.

For years, I avoided relationships because I believed that the true version of myself was unworthy of love. This pernicious idea, whose beginnings I couldn’t exactly pinpoint, led me down a path of self-denial and constant reinvention. I crash-dieted, believing that losing 15 pounds was the key to finding love. I shaped myself into what I thought guys wanted, assessing my worth based on their attractiveness to me—a risky worldview that left me feeling hollow and disappointed.

I believed that in order to be desired, I needed to be someone else. I had to be the extroverted party girl, the life of the party, the one who could stay up late and always had plans. This was the female I saw in films and TV shows, the one who always had the guy. So I adopted this identity, even though it was diametrically opposed to my genuine nature.

Alcohol became my crutch, allowing me to change into another version of myself. I drank to settle my anxiety before dates, to become the carefree, “chill” person I believed guys desired. But, in reality, I was a sensitive soul, prone to anxiety and heavily influenced by my emotions. I cared passionately, but I hid that part of myself, fearing it would scare men away.

Dating became difficult, an endless cycle of disappointment and self-betrayal. I was caught in a role that suffocated my authentic self. Everything changed after I learnt to love and cherish myself. I began to attract men who appreciated the genuine me and were interested in my thoughts and feelings. It was exhilarating to finally be myself, and it lead me to my soulmate, a man who accepts me exactly as I am.

You can find this type of love as well, but it all starts with developing a deep love and admiration for yourself. As you gain confidence and accept your individuality, you will automatically attract the ideal individuals into your life. Here’s why being a “chill” girl kept me single for so long, and why it could do the same for you.

1. Pretend You don’t care attracts men that don’t care.

We are all energetic creatures, and the energy we project attracts energy. If you act as if you don’t care about love or that emotional slights don’t bother you, you’ll attract folks who share your apathy. For years, I maintained this façade, concealing my sensitivity and claiming to be unconcerned about being ghosted or stood up. However, in doing so, I was only harming myself by enabling guys to treat me with less respect than I deserved.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wanted true love, I knew that I needed to be the change I wanted. I stopped settling for anything less than the soulmate relationship I desired. I changed my online dating profile to reflect my actual objectives, chose coffee dates over alcohol-fueled adventures, and was not hesitant to share my emotions. It felt wonderful to be accepted for who I truly was, and my confidence skyrocketed. Within months, my soulmate appeared without any effort.

2. Avoiding vulnerability prevents meaningful connections.

Vulnerability is the key to a successful life and meaningful relationships. However, many of us avoid it, preferring to conceal our emotions rather than confront them. This avoidance is especially harmful in dating and relationships, when vulnerability is necessary for success and longevity.

You can’t form deep bonds without being vulnerable. When you open up and communicate your actual feelings, you feel liberated and authentic. Look at children—they are inherently vulnerable and express their emotions freely. They live freely and cheerfully because they have not yet learned to hide their actual selves.

As adults, we are frequently encouraged to hide our emotions and avoid pain at all costs. However, this thinking results in a life of numbness and distraction. Accepting vulnerability is the most wonderful gift you can give both yourself and your spouse. Begin small—share your objectives and dreams, develop a regular self-care routine, and investigate the source of your limiting beliefs.

Do not be afraid of who you are: complex, emotional, and loving. When you embrace your genuine self, life becomes wonderful, and the soulmate love you seek arrives quickly. The “cool” chick is so last year, anyway.