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Things I Tried for Better Skin (and Sex) That Gave Me Gas, Breakouts, or Existential Dread Instead

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Okay, so remember that blog where I shared all the amazing foods that made my skin glow and my sex drive do a happy dance?

Well.

This is… not that blog.

This is the raw, unfiltered don’t-be-like-me follow-up. Because for every Amazon cart miracle, there were a few flops. Some were hyped all over TikTok. Some were pushed by that one friend who says things like, “It worked for my cousin in Kerala.” And some? Some were just me being overly optimistic with a credit card and fragile gut.

Here’s my honest list of foods and supplements that did not go well—and exactly what they did to me, in too much detail. Because transparency is sexy.

1. Raw Garlic on an Empty Stomach: An Act of War

I read online (probably from someone named “GutGoddess89”) that raw garlic was the ultimate detox food. Kills bad bacteria, clears skin, balances yeast… basically, a miracle.

So I chopped a clove, let it “activate,” and swallowed it like a vitamin. Within 20 minutes, my stomach felt like it was being slowly microwaved. I burped garlic for two days. And not in a cute, Italian grandma way. In a “someone call the CDC” kind of way.

Verdict: Garlic is great—but preferably cooked and not as a dare to your digestive tract.

2. Ashwagandha Gummies: The False Sense of Calm

These Ashwagandha Gummies had rave reviews. “I sleep better!” “Less anxiety!” “My boyfriend says I’m a sex goddess now!” Naturally, I bought two bottles.

Week one: Felt great. Calm. Slightly floaty in a dreamy way.

Week two: Started feeling… sleepy all the time. Libido tanked. Started crying while watching a commercial for car insurance.

Turns out, ashwagandha messes with thyroid hormones for some people, especially women with already sensitive systems.

Verdict: Know your body. Or risk being drowsy and uninterested in both sex and car insurance discounts.

3. Apple Cider Vinegar Shots: Gut Bombs in Disguise

The wellness girlies made it look so aesthetic—clear glass, pretty lemons, a drizzle of ACV for “bloating and skin.” I drank Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar every morning like a martyr.

The result? Heartburn that made me reconsider all my life choices. Also, my teeth started to feel chalky. Not a sentence I ever wanted to write.

Verdict: ACV might be magical for some, but I’ll get my acid from lime juice like a civilized person.

4. Too Many Chia Seeds: Drama in the Bathroom

So everyone says chia seeds help with digestion, skin, hydration, etc. Which is true—if you soak them and don’t eat half a cup in one sitting.

I made the mistake of dumping a ton into a smoothie bowl because it looked cute. Twenty minutes later, I was bloated, crampy, and questioning the meaning of life on the toilet.

Verdict: Chia = great in moderation. Otherwise? You’re just bloating yourself with fiber cement.

5. Horny Goat Weed: Yes, That’s a Real Thing

Yes, the name alone should’ve been a red flag. But I was curious. And it was on sale. The bottle literally said, “Supports libido and blood flow.” So of course, I ordered it.

After one dose, my heart was racing like I’d just finished sprinting through a haunted house. I didn’t feel sexy. I felt like I needed an EKG.

Verdict: Herbal libido boosters are not all safe. Read reviews. Maybe ask a doctor. Or at least don’t take it on a Tuesday before a Zoom meeting.

6. Excessive Protein Powders: Acne City

I got really into clean eating and started using Orgain Protein Powder like it was fairy dust. I blended it into smoothies, stirred it into oatmeal, even added it to pancakes.

And then… my jawline broke out like I was 14 and going through heartbreak. Turns out too much protein (especially when you’re not working out intensely) can mess with hormones and digestion.

Also, plant-based proteins sometimes include fillers or gums that your gut does not appreciate.

Verdict: Use with purpose, not just because it tastes like a milkshake.

7. Overdoing Adaptogens: AKA “I’m Too Calm to Function”

I fell into the adaptogen trap—maca, reishi, ashwagandha, rhodiola. I wanted to be that effortlessly chill girl who says things like, “Oh, I don’t need coffee. I just take my cordyceps.”

What actually happened: I felt like a zombie with great skin. Sure, my stress was lower, but so was my ability to focus, flirt, or even make dinner. Adaptogens are not meant to be stacked like LEGO.

Verdict: Pick one. Don’t turn your pantry into a plant-based apothecary.

8. Overnight “Detox” Teas: Don’t Trust Anything That Comes With a Warning

Look, I get it. Bloat sucks. But drinking Flat Tummy Tea before bed and waking up in panic because your stomach sounds like a jazz band? Not worth it.

Also, most of those teas contain senna, a natural laxative. It’s not really a detox—it’s a poop fest. I once had to cancel a brunch date because my insides were waging war.

Verdict: If you have to stay home near a bathroom after drinking it, maybe it’s not the “glow-up” you need.

What’s the Moral of This Mess?

Every body is different. And just because it’s trending—or natural—doesn’t mean it’s harmless. The line between “glowing goddess” and “gas-powered regret” is thinner than a rice paper wrap.

If something makes you feel off, bloated, breakout-prone, or just weird in your body—pause.

Wellness isn’t about suffering or forcing yourself to glow through gritted teeth.

I learned to listen to my gut. Sometimes literally. Sometimes after it yelled at me in the form of burps, rashes, or tears.

Final Word:

Glowing skin and a satisfying sex life are not worth sacrificing your peace (or your bowel movements).

Try the things that make you feel more you, not less human.

And if you’re ever unsure, text a friend and say, “Is horny goat weed a bad idea on an empty stomach?”

Trust me. You’ll thank yourself later.

Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, I may earn from qualifying purchases, but this does not affect my recommendations.I only suggest products I’ve personally vetted.