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Steps for healing from and dealing with your family

PHASE 1: Develop Self-Compassion By denying our childhood pain and saying, “They did their best,” instead of processing the loss, we perpetuate generational trauma. That is why I dedicated my page and posts to ‘what emotional child abuse looks like’ to assist.

1. Recognize your emotional wounds and unmet needs. This healthy rage for the lack of care is required to then
2. Experience this loss (sadness): crying literally transforms self-hatred into self-compassion. The resentment will then fade, resulting in the Inner Security required to be self-accountable.

PHASE 2 : Create a realistic assessment of your parent. We are not intimidated once we realise we are dealing with an insecure child rather than a mature adult.

3. Separate their mature behaviour from their immature behaviour so that they do not feel personally attacked.

“You’re selfish,” their immature, is not you’re selfish. “You’re selfish” when you set a boundary is their immature self seeing you as their need-gratifying object (the parent they never had) rather than your own individual with your own needs and rights. A mature parent would only comment on your actions, not your personality. “Did you think about it when you decided to?”

PHASE 3: Foster Self-Accountability

4. Recognize and accept the pain you inflicted on yourself and others (self-sabotage). When the black sheep (victimised as a child) refuses to accept responsibility for the course of their adult life, they remain in an unrealistic victim mode, disempowered, and blaming their parents for their addiction/failure.

To summarise

• Identify your Childhood Wound your unmet needs.
• Mourn this Loss to transform Self- hate into Self- compassion.
• Forgive if you (want +) have self- compassion to have compassion.
• Don’t take immature behaviour seriously= personally a child can only guilt/ shame/ control/ reject, not validate & apologize.
• Allow them to disapprove of you their ego needs you to depend on their approval to feel worthy, it says nothing about you.
• Acknowledge your own experience a 10 year old lacks the ability to see your point of view + to take ownership.
• Allow your siblings to have their own view of what hap-ened + to take your parent’s side, it doesn’t change your truth.
• Recreate your relationship, don’t change your parent they simply lack the inner tools to act in a mature way.
• Accept that your parent was responsible for your emotio-al injuries + as an adult you are for dealing with it, not them.
• Take Responsibility for your adult behaviour learn to see + own your part (power) to not have to blame them (powerlessness)
• Accept that your parent was responsible for your emotional injuries, and that as an adult, you are responsible for dealing with it, not them.
• Accept responsibility for your adult behaviour and learn to see and own your part (power) so you don’t have to blame them (powerlessness)

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