empress2inspire.blogPersonal Development

Healthy Boundaries

This post is dedicated to an Anonymous Maadu !!

You are feeling burnout? Stressed and tired? Is bitterness and resentment creeping into your relationships but you don’t know why? Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Do you feel controlled and powerless in your relationships? Do people tell you that you are overbearing and controlling? If you have answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, this is a good indicator that you need to implement boundaries in your life.

Here are few ways in which you can start setting some healthy boundaries:

  • Assess Resentment – Recognize feelings of hurt, anger or resentment as early warning signs that you need to start setting boundaries. When you can be honest about these disagreeable feelings, you can use them to help signal when it’s time to say yes or no.
  • Clue into Personality Preferences – Developing healthy boundaries goes hand-in-hand with becoming drawn to boundary-lovers. People who are immature at limit-setting often find themselves involved with “boundary-busters” in the form of family, colleagues, or friends. Instead, make deeper connections with people who can hear your “no” without being critical, getting hurt, or personalizing it.
  • Seek Other Boundary Setters – Why is it so important to join the boundaried family? Mainly because as with any spiritual discipline, boundaries can’t be worked on in a vacuum. Whether you’re growing boundaries in your current relationships or finding new ones, you need others with the same values of limit setting and responsibility to encourage you, practice with you, and stay with you. Some of their patients have found this in a support group, or with trusted friends.
  • Define What’s Most Important – Write a list of your “treasures”- whether you time, money, feelings, or beliefs. Ask yourself how you want others to treat these treasures. how do you want others to not treat them?
  • Practice saying “No” – Ask a good friend, someone you trust and who loves you, if you can practice “No” with them. This could be about something small that rubbed you the wring way recently. True intimacy is built around the freedom to disagree.
  • Revel in some Guilt – If the conscience were silent and providing no “how could you?” guilt-inducing messages, it might mean that you were remaining enslaved to the internal parent. Feeling some guilt about saying “No” actually means you’re moving forward.

With setting boundaries, there is always a risk of losing relationships. Because we were built for relationship, relying on God’s strength and everlasting love and the support from healthy relationships can help us make positive choices to set boundaries and say “no” to abuse.  If you see any symptoms of boundary problems in your life, talking with a counselor can help you locate where your boundaries need to be repaired and give you the strength to regain ownership of your property or relinquish ownership that is not yours to control.

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15 replies »

  1. It is so important that we set boundaries for ourselves. I’m a grown adult people pleaser and I still haven’t learned how to say no or set boundaries for myself. It is my life long goal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The biggest part of boundaries is HOW clearly you communicate them. You can have the most healthy set of boundaries on the planet but if you do not communicate them clearly, you are going to create some really confusing relationships, both for you and everyone else involved.

      Like

  2. Great information. Most people think that setting healthy boundaries are an insult to a relationships. I have had too many negative experiences because I failed to set boundaries. I learned that if I don’t set them in the beginning then the behavior will continue.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I understand where you are coming from. We all have been in tough situations with family and close friends. Remember the importance of saying “no” to unreasonable requests, and reasonable ones from time to time, if they conflict with your plans. Challenge all insults that are masked as humor. As you learn to extend your boundaries, try to adapt your behavior so you are not stepping over other people’s. This may take an extra effort because our habits can go unnoticed, but aim to stop making digs at people, or using humor as a weapon to put others down.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Enjoyed your post!
    Here is a test I will offer:
    Your car is in the shop. Someone from where you work will give you a ride back to your home in their car at the end of your shift. As they are driving you home in their car, they have a music CD playing, and you can hardly stand the songs. But I am guessing you would likely say nothing about it as, after all:
    1. they *are* doing you a favor but also, if you think about for only a second:
    2. WHO’s CAR IS IT? and who is “in Charge” in that car?
    They are! And so, you “adjust” to them. They don’t adjust to you.
    So far, so good. At least I would sure hope that we can all “see” this. But, here’s where things get interesting:

    FAMILY. Let’s say a sibling is riding as a passenger in YOUR car? Who is “in charge” in your car?
    Who is in charge in your house? You are.
    Who is in charge on your property. You are. Because it’s *you’re” property.
    And give me one good reason (if there is one) why your Car, which is also your property should be any different. So, they are in yor car, you are driving, you have one of your favorite CD’s on and they hate it, and they say: Gawwwd, that music sucks. Shut if off and play that crap on your own time!

    Lets pause and let things sink in a bit.
    And lets ask:
    1. who is “in charge” in THEIR car? and who adjusts to who in their car? Who is on who’s “Turf”?
    2. as for “on your own time”, what is that? Its ALL “your time”. The fact that you are still alive and breathing is all “your time.”
    3. What would you do if they weren’t in your car? You would enjoy yourself and listen to whatever you want! QUESTION: Exactly Why??—should you “lesson, restrict or diminish” your enjoyment just because they are here? Most of us would likely NOT tell someone else (I.e. someone giving us a ride home) what to listen, or NOT listen to or play in their car.
    “But this is FAMILY”.
    Yeah? So?? Why cant they be as “understanding” as a stranger or mild aquaintence?
    And I thought of their next argument, too. If they say: “well, iiiii wouldn’t insist on playing my music if you were in MY car even though I would be in charge there” and the reply is:
    “Maybe. But you would be within your rights and also your choices do not obligate me.”
    and their reply: but, I’m a “captive audience” in here with you.
    and the reply to that is:
    My House or my property and yes My car—-MY RULES! and look: NO ONE ever forced you to ride with me in the first place! but its the chance you take! and then they say:
    that sounds awfully selfish, and besides, I have a headache.
    Ohhhh, no you don’t! If I give in to this, you’ll “have a headache” 10 times whenever we’re together. I am NOT restricting or diminishing my enjoyment just because you are here, and think about it. Suppose it wasn’t family. Suppose it was a friend. If you continually had to lessen your enjoyment whenever you are with that friend, WHY ARE they your friend? Sounds more like they’re a drudgery, stick-in-the-mud pain-in-the-ass who is NOT “adding to your happiness”. Who wants friends like this? Would you go over to their house and tell them to change the TV channel they had on because YOU don’t like it?? and there’s one more thing—they might say: well, you could have a little consideration”. This is really the slyest and biggest lie so far. Because if you give in, you will very very soon find yourself needing to “be conasiderate” 150 times in 150 ways. I repeat, when you or I are on “their turf”, we adjust to them. Likewise, its only fair, when they on on OUR “turf” they can “adjust” to us. It would be the “considerate” (and respectful) thing to do.
    “I rest my case, your honor”.
    Go ahead! Prove me wrong. Anyone. I’m listening.

    Liked by 1 person

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