You were not born this way; you are not the result of faulty genetics or an innate defect. You entered the world with no script when you were born. You were as white as a slate, your story unwritten. Then, sometime during your first two years of life, you got the message that you couldn’t rely on your carers consistently enough, and your nervous system went into overdrive as a result. Even if they had the best of intentions, there were probably interruptions in their own lives that made it difficult for them to be there for you when you needed them. Perhaps they weren’t always emotionally stable which only reinforces attachment styles.

As an adult, you are hardwired to attach to partners, with the same subconscious tapes running through your mind. Your nervous system functions similarly to a fire detector, alert to any real or perceived threats. You are also alerted to any subtle hints that your partner may abandon you physically or emotionally at any time. Even if it is logical, abandonment feels like annihilation. We know we’ll survive, but the reality looks very different when viewed through an emotional lens. The mere thought of it sends shivers up your spine. It awakens some primal part of you, an unhealed core wound from your childhood. The behaviours that follow, such as texting and calling five or six times in a row after they don’t answer the first or second time, asking for more reassurance beyond what your loved one may consider acceptable, obsessing over what they’re thinking, feeling, and possibly even doing when we’re not around, and ruminating over what they said or didn’t say, are all part of the package. We have no idea that we are responding from an unconscious place within ourselves. We use activating strategies in a desperate attempt to draw ourselves closer to the person we love, in order to reassure ourselves that our worst fears exist only in the terrifying corners of our own mind.

Please keep in mind that you are not insane or flawed; you have simply developed a set of traits and defensive strategies in order to avoid being abandoned. The good news is that you can work towards an earned secure attachment with effort and awareness. You can reprogram your brain to think and react differently. You are not a victim; this life, with all of its challenges, is yours to conquer.

You are deserving. You are stunning. You are sufficient. Every time you feel anxious, look in the mirror and place your crown back on your head. Those worth your time will never abandon you, nor will they make you feel guilty or ashamed for requiring reassurance. Those who are truly worth your time and effort, on the other hand, will reflect stability and will be a rock during the most difficult times. They will not keep you guessing about how they feel about you, nor will they trade you in for all the riches the world has to offer.

But, dear one, first and foremost, please learn to fill your own cup. Please remember to give yourself everything you weren’t able to consistently receive from your early carers or others in your adult life. When you look in the mirror, your first and most enduring love affair should always be with the person staring back at you. It is the only love on which you can rely. Do not abandon yourself, especially for the sake of others. You have always been more than enough for yourself.