I’m pursuing what I want this time instead of what other people expect of me.

I’ve been singing a line by The Smiths in my brain for the past few weeks: Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. And each time I’ve caught sight of it, I’ve record-scratched myself and said, “That’s absurd. Almost all of your wishes have been fulfilled. Become less theatrical. But I had a new insight when I awoke this morning. It’s not that I haven’t accomplished my goals; I have. The problem is that I’ve never fully struck out on my own with the goal of obtaining what I desire.

How simple it has been for things to pass for what I desire, though! things that others desired. things that appeared right at the time. Things that appeared to be the natural or next step. Things that, if I kept doing them, I hoped I’d come to want. things I felt I ought to want. And how effortlessly self-sufficiency has been passed off as independence. I’ve looked after myself. never sought for assistance. made each and every choice. I’ve managed, planned, and driven practically every interaction and circumstance in which I’ve been involved.

And although I was aware of how efficiently performing those parts made me a rock in a sea of uncertainty that everyone around me could cling to, I never considered that playing those roles also made me… a rock. without the capacity to freely float. I anchor not only others around me, but also myself. securing my identity to a predetermined notion of who I should be. to the standards of others. to the part I believed I had to take. To choices I had grown out of. Not as a martyr, but because I believed it gave me value, I catered to what everyone else needed or wanted. Being a constant in the midst of the pounding waves while remaining in one spot, I believed, was my value to the world.

What happens, though, if I don’t want to be a rock? What if I wish to be like a buoy, floating around freely sometimes and tying myself lightly in other situations? without somebody forcing me below the surface by clutching onto me for support. Knowing that every time I move, the scenery will change, and firmly thinking that it’s okay for me to do so. or at least beginning to believe it half-heartedly. What if the force I’m pleading with to grant me my want is not the cosmos, fate, luck, or determinism? What if I’m the one?

Get what you want this time, if possible. Without considering how it will fit into the autobiographical story you never intended to write. Without requiring that anyone around you comprehend your motivations. Without relegating it to the bottom of the priority list below what you should, have to, and reasonably want, as well as what other people want.

Listen, I know it’s terrifying, unpleasant, and extremely distressing right now, but you’ll be OK. This is something you must do for yourself. You must go beyond what is known and strive to believe that you will be fine no matter what. Even if things don’t work out. Even if you don’t find what you’re looking for, it’s still a good thing to show that you tried. It is with this thought I introduce my new book “Acceptance”. Hope we find the courage to accept what is. https://a.co/d/jli7oHN