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The Real Reason Women Criticize—and How to Stop Playing Small

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Let’s talk about something uncomfortable but real. Women can be incredibly supportive… and surprisingly critical of each other. Sometimes it’s obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. A comment disguised as concern. A comparison dressed up as a joke. A quiet judgment that slips out before we even realize it’s there.

I used to think this meant something was wrong with us. Like women were naturally competitive or secretly mean. But the more I paid attention, the more I realized it’s not about cruelty. It’s about conditioning.

From a young age, we’re taught there’s limited space for women to succeed, be seen, be admired, or be chosen. Only so many seats at the table. Only so much approval to go around. So instead of questioning the system, we end up policing each other. Criticism becomes a survival strategy.

I’ve caught myself doing it. Not in a loud way. In small, quiet thoughts. Comparing timelines. Questioning someone’s choices. Feeling a weird mix of admiration and discomfort when another woman plays bigger than I feel ready to. And when I was honest with myself, I realized the criticism wasn’t really about her.

It was about fear.

Fear that if she takes up more space, there’s less room for me. Fear that her confidence highlights my hesitation. Fear that her boldness forces me to look at where I’m still holding back.

Criticism is often misplaced self-protection.

We live in a culture that rewards women for being agreeable, self-sacrificing, and just a little smaller than their potential. So when a woman steps outside that box, it can feel threatening. Not because she’s doing something wrong, but because she’s doing something we were taught not to do.

That’s why comments about appearance, ambition, parenting, relationships, or success hit so hard. Those are the areas where we’re most conditioned to perform correctly. When someone opts out of the performance, it disrupts the script.

Here’s the thing I had to learn the hard way: criticizing another woman keeps you playing small. It keeps your focus outward instead of inward. It gives temporary relief but long-term stagnation.

Playing bigger doesn’t mean being louder or more aggressive. It means being more honest. With yourself first.

One way I started shifting this was noticing my triggers. If I felt irritated or judgmental toward another woman, I paused and asked why. Was she actually doing something harmful? Or was she just doing something I was scared to do? That question alone changed everything.

I also started creating more intentional space for reflection. A simple lined journal from Amazon became a place where I could dump those thoughts without acting on them. Writing turns judgment into information. It shows you where growth is trying to happen.

Another shift was taking better care of my nervous system. When you’re regulated, you’re less reactive. When you’re exhausted or overstimulated, everything feels personal. Gentle routines matter. Even something as small as ending the day with a calming ritual helped me respond instead of react. A warm light bedside lamp made my evenings slower and softer, which carried into how I interacted with others.

And here’s something no one says enough: celebrating other women doesn’t take anything away from you. It expands what feels possible. Every woman who plays bigger quietly gives permission for others to do the same.

I noticed that when I genuinely supported women who were confident, successful, or different from me, something shifted internally. I felt braver. Less constrained. Less invested in comparison. Their growth didn’t diminish me. It reflected what was available.

Playing bigger also means calling out the inner voice that says you need to earn your place by being perfect or palatable. You don’t. You get to take up space as you are. So do other women.

That doesn’t mean ignoring accountability or pretending harm doesn’t exist. It means choosing curiosity over criticism. Asking questions instead of making assumptions. Letting differences exist without ranking them.

One unexpected tool that helped was creating moments of intentional connection. Coffee dates. Walks. Honest conversations. A good insulated travel mug made those moments easy to say yes to, especially during busy days. Connection humanizes people. It’s harder to criticize someone you actually understand.

This matters because criticism doesn’t just hurt the person receiving it. It limits the person giving it. It keeps you focused on what’s wrong instead of what’s possible.

If you’ve ever felt the sting of judgment from another woman, you’re not alone. And if you’ve ever caught yourself judging, you’re not broken. You’re waking up.

We don’t need to be perfect allies. We just need to be more conscious ones.

This is the kind of thing I explore in my newsletter. Not in a preachy way, but in a real-life, let’s-figure-this-out-together way. If you want thoughtful reflections on growth, confidence, relationships, and unlearning the stuff that keeps us small, you’re welcome to sign up. It’s meant to feel supportive, not overwhelming.

So I’ll leave you with this question, because it’s the one that changes the dynamic: when another woman triggers you, what might she be showing you about yourself?

Playing bigger doesn’t start with being fearless. It starts with being honest. And when women stop competing for scraps and start expanding the table, everyone eats better.

Including you.

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